


To live and to learn

by shyravenns



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff, Implied Relationships, M/M, Soulmates, steve being extra
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-26
Updated: 2017-01-26
Packaged: 2018-09-20 03:19:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9473102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shyravenns/pseuds/shyravenns
Summary: Steve wants to have something special.





	

Steve would be lying if he told you he didn’t think about it. He would be lying is he told you that he didn’t worry about it or if he didn’t fear what would happen if he ever found them.

Even when he was younger the situation wasn’t ideal. Growing up in near poverty with barely a roof over his and his momma’s head never seemed liked it would the ideal situation to bring a girl over and introduce her. Even when his mother died and he Bucky hit the road, it never seemed…enough. It never seemed to be the ideal situation in which he could bring a soulmate in. Barely washed clothes, barely any food, and not enough heat in the winter never seemed…right in any case to try and settle down with someone.   
Because that’s what it was right? Soulmates were for settling down. Finding a cute girl to bring home and wine and dine her and boom a few months later you’re starting a family of your own with little to no regard for the future. 

That’s what their for, right? To find, love, and settle. 

So, maybe he was a bit disappointed when Bucky wasn’t his and maybe he hadn’t felt his stomach drop when he felt nothing for him. But in a way weren’t they already linked? Wasn’t Bucky the ever strong right arm to his nub that always seemed so sure and so secure about himself? Steve….wasn’t that. Unsure, scared, and reckless it was easy to why they were linked in that way. Best friends forever right?

(After Bucky falls he decides that no never again I can’t-)\

So, that maybe when he meets his one they can both go on a small ride around the town, right? Then maybe he won’t die a little on the inside when Bucky smiles at another girl.  
\------------------------------  
With Peggy he was so sure. So, sure and so certain that she was his and he was hers. 

He didn’t need to feel that spark. That sudden brightness in his soul that lit up at her smile and at her glare and at her everything and he hoped and when that hope died it didn’t matter because who needs soulmates? Who needs a destiny telling you who to love when your heart knows so much more than what some scientists say? (Or what the world says)   
She’s beautiful and she likes him and when he gets the serum and finally shows her what he’s capable of, he’s so excited and frightened at the same time. He who loves her and wants to be with her, despite knowing what they have to do. What he has to do even though it seems fruitless at times.

She smiles at him and he stops breathing and he finally forgets Bucky for a fraction of a second. She smiles and then frowns and he wonders what he did wrong and she’s telling him that she loves him. But not like the way, he feels. Not the soul stopping, world turning love that seems to blow not just for the world, but for her. 

So, he smiles at her and rubs the back of his head and forces something in his voice that makes her frown lift up before she’s called to do something and she’s gone.

He’s never felt so small in his life.  
\---------------------------------  
Steve always expects a punch. He’s ready twenty four seven, body tense and heart racing for the sudden adrenaline of something going down and he being needed.

Washington is beautiful. For the first time in such a long time, he finally feels good. Sunlight draws on his back and warms him as he passes up runners and occasionally throws a smile towards them. The wind licks at his face and curls around him as it dries the sweat on his body and he turns the music that’s been playing on his phone for the past three minutes and takes everything in. 

He’s good. He’s happy. He’s calm. He relishes in these small moments and small details in life since he’s learned that everything can change in an instant. He watches the birds crowd in the sky before flocking down nearby towards a bench with a man. Light glints off their feathers, and he breaths in the warm scent of food drifting from the nearby shops and restaurants.

He stops and puts his hands on his hips and looks around for a few heartbeats. His own heart racing fast, but he welcomes the feeling of being alive and it’s a sharp reminder of everything that’s gone. Brushing past it, he feels a slight tingling on the side of his head. He frowns, learning to never brush any inkling off lest there be something telling him that it’s not right.

That something’s not right. 

Growing tense and somewhat jittery, his heart begins to pound faster and deeper. He can hear it above the wind and softly below the music. 

He turns his head left and frowns as he scans the area. The fountain behind him is a soft tinkling in the background and he drags his eyes towards the bench with the man sitting in it, surrounded by a troop of birds at his feet. 

The man has his head bent as he speaks to the birds, but he’s too far for Steve to heart anything. His skin is a rich brown and he’s tall. He wears a simple t-shirt and jeans, but he looks so good. And suddenly he can’t breathe because he doesn’t want to breathe.

He feels it. Almost a hundred years and finally feels it.

He doesn’t take a step forwards, but he doesn’t take one backwards. He stands there staring because he can’t do this. If he meets this man, he’ll end up losing him like everyone else in his goddamn life and he’s so tired of losing people. 

He almost turns away. Almost. The man looks up and Steve’s already fallen and he hates himself because he knows he’ll get hurt. He knows he’ll get killed because he’s him. He’s Steven Rogers, biggest fuck up of all time. 

Their eyes meet and something flashes in the other man’s eyes. Steve’s heart falters and he turns away before anything can happen and he hates himself because he can’t face him. He can’t want him already and he can’t want to be with him already when they’ve barely met. And yet he doesn’t care. A small selfish part of him looks back and sees him and he turns away and presses his back against a building and breathes for the first time.

He cares yet he doesn’t. He wants this yet he doesn’t. He knows what he wants yet he doesn’t.

Feeling the tingling sensation linger in his mind and the wanton part of it attacking him, he’s found that he’s already decided. 

He’s going for a run tomorrow.


End file.
